How to Make Difficult Parent Phone Calls
Calling your students’ parents can be intimidating… but it’s also a central component in meeting your students’ needs.
My first-year teacher colleague came into my classroom, fighting tears. “I’m at the end of my rope with Jacob!” she exclaimed. “He won’t stop talking and he won’t take out his earbuds. I don’t think he’s done one thing I asked him to do all semester!”
“Have you talked to his parents?” I asked.
My colleague sighed. “No. I know I should call them. I just can’t make myself do it.”
I hear this a lot, and I get it. There are a lot of reasons not to call home for difficult kiddos.
“ A lot of a successful phone call happens before you ever pick up the phone. ”
Reasons to not make Parent Phone Calls
The phone numbers in the school database are wrong or don’t work
The parent may not speak English
Calling home is time consuming
I don’t want parents to see my personal phone number
The school phone system is difficult to use
All of these are at least partially true, and we’ll address them . But let’s be honest. The most important reason a lot of us hesitate to call parents is this:
6. It’s scary.
Calling parents is hard. You’re usually calling with bad news, and often you’ve had a recent unpleasant interaction with the student, resulting in charged emotions on both sides. You may be feeling very vulnerable. You don’t know what the child has told their parent nor how the parent will react. Some parents are accusatory or worse.
So how do we get past all of those barriers to calling home? It’s going to take some analysis, some creative thinking, and - yes - some courage.
Just like every other challenge in teaching. You can do it.
Reframing
The first step is to re-frame your thinking on parent calls. Here are some things to consider.
Don’t assume the worst. While some parents do act with aggression toward a teacher, the majority really do not. It’s unfair to avoid addressing a problem because of an unspoken assumption the parent is going to react badly. Assume goodwill on the part of the parent.
Put yourself in the parents’ shoes. If your own child had acted in this way in class, what would you want from the teacher? At a very minimum, I would want the teacher to contact me before the problem escalated and before emotions on both sides spiraled out of control.
Be aware that parents may feel defensive, may have bad memories of their own school experience, or may feel that your call is a criticism of their parenting. In fact, they may live in as much dread of a call from school as you feel toward making one. Recognizing this can help us approach the call with empathy toward the parent and a problem-solving mindset toward the student’s behavior.
Recognize that some parents may be intimidated by your education, speaking style, or perceived status. In some cultures this can be a major factor in your interaction with parents.
Look for a connection. Written messaging takes time, invites possible misunderstanding, and lacks warmth. A voice call honestly doesn’t take that long and gives you a chance to personally connect with the parent in a way a text or e-mail does not.
As you consider picking up the phone, spend more time thinking about these points than you do imagining a terrible confrontation that very well may not play out.
Call early - at the first sign of a problem
A big mistake I see teachers make is waiting until a problem is out of control to call parents. This is bad practice because at this point emotions are running high and the problems are a lot harder to solve.
I highly recommend calling parents at the first sign of trouble - in some cases, on the first day of class.
Calling early does several things.
It gives the parents an opportunity to intervene while the problem is small and manageable.
It lets the student know you are serious and you’re willing to involve the parent.
The student will tell their friends, “She called my mom and now I’m in so much trouble”. Word gets out. This gives you credibility when you implement your classroom management plan; soon all students in your classroom know and believe you will call home if they push to a certain point.
The call has a much higher possibility of success. Telling a parent, “Your child was out of his seat twice during instruction today, so please review our classroom rules with her. I really want to see her be successful this semester!” - this goes over much better than “Every single day for the past month, I’ve had to yell at your child and I’m ready to kick her out of class if you don’t FIX IT!!!”
Calling early can help establish a positive foundation for working with this child in the future. Involving parents at the first sign of trouble tells parents, “I care about your child and I want to work with you to help them to be successful”.
If you teach a challenging population, or if you find classroom management a struggle, I highly recommend you establish an objective system of rules and consequences, one of which is a parent phone call. Follow your classroom management plan to the letter. This helps your calls home be early in the disciplinary process and removes a lot of the emotion. Read more here.
Before calling
Take time to regulate your own emotional state. Don’t call mad.
Think through exactly what behaviors the student is doing. Have a few specific examples in mind.
Know what you ideally want from the parent. This may range from having the parent talk to the student, to establishing a daily recording system to track the student’s behavior and progress.
Link the child’s behavior and next steps to written rules and expectations. This helps remove negative emotion and makes the whole conversation more objective and focused on solutions.
“Difficult parent calls take some analysis, some creative thinking, and - yes - some courage... just like every other challenge in teaching. You can do it.”
Framing parents calls positively and with a focus on solutions is important for your students, their parents, your classroom practice, and your own mental health. A lot of this work happens before you ever pick up the phone.
So, what does an effective parent phone call sound like? Stay tuned for some practical tips in my next blog post.
